i’m kind of full of energy right now so i’m gonna write a bit about what i got for christmas. funny, right? not really.

  • my granddad’s old keyboard. this is by far the best gift i received this year. i remember him playing on that keyboard for as long as i can remember but he’s “too old” now, apparently. also, i’ve wanted a keyboard for a long time so this was perfect.
  • a suitcase. a smaller one that i can use as hand luggage. really needed!
  • money. i think it was around $450 all together. always needed, of course.
  • gift cards on h&m and kicks (a make up store).
  • a pyjamas + socks i picked out myself. really cosy. i love wearing pyjamas in the morning.
  • i have no idea what this is called in english, but: thin “leggings” and a top that you wear under your normal clothes when it’s really cold outside, like when you go skiing. it was from my stepdad who’s kind of crazy about outdoor-sports and stuff.
  • gloves that are touch-screen friendly.
  • knitted mittens from grandma. i love them.
  • chocolate.

i think that was everything. i went kind of nuts today and bought stuff for like $900 off the interet. a new computer and a camera. i kind of need a new computer since this one i’m using is a school computer and has to be returned next year + the screen is broken. but a camera… i really don’t need a camera, but i mean.. it might be fun. 

i’ve been feeling really powerful and shit tonight so i decided to talk to a few people i haven’t talked to in a while. i even called one of them. we actually haven’t heard each others voices before, only spoken through social medias, so that was very interesting. he’s really sweet. 

this became a bit lame so i’m gonna stop now. um, bye. see you.

some dresses i want

1/2/3/4

I haven’t left my room today. Also haven’t eaten anything. I feel so so tired and miserable. I don’t have any anxiety or suicidal thoughts though. I’m just dull and empty. I think this is the worst mood you can be in, because you’re just so bored but at the same time too dead to even to anything. It’s like you don’t exist. I’d rather be angry or even anxious than this dull shit.

I’ve been in this really frustrating mixed state for the last two weeks or so. Wanting to do everything, having thousands of ideas, but really not feeling like doing anything at the same time. I just want to get something out of my body, something is itching, something is disturbing my mind. The worst part of being in this state is the aggressive part. Everything turns black before my eyes whenever something doesn’t go my way, and I’ll start throwing things, destroying, hit people, say really, really mean stuff to my family etc. I hate it so much but I really can’t stop. 

I’ve done so many weird things as well, this week. Writing “death” all over my room (I haven’t been suicidal though), tearing apart money with my hands, eaten dog treats, held a hair dryer against my skin because I “wanted to see a change in something, anything”, almost went to New York (I live in Europe) with nothing except 50 Euro and a deo in my bag.

Damn. Go away.

So it keeps going down for me. London was great but it could’ve been so much better if I’d been in a proper, nice mood. I bitched around a bit with my mum and brother, but not that hard. We had some good times too. I’d like to blame my bitching on a certain disorder but that would just be unfair. You can’t really stop the roller coaster once it starts to head down.